Thursday, July 22, 2010

Surgery and lethergy

So today and if I'm honest for the past few weeks I have felt...BLAH.  Yep.  Blah..don't feel like doing much, just hanging at home and watching some cool shows on TV.  Although I do look forward to my weekly trip to Cripple Creek that will be over soon when I no longer have to take Ryan back to camp.  I suppose I could drive up just to gamble but...nah.. I probably won't.  Sleep is still a major issue with me.  I am still sleeping from the wee hours of the morning until early afternoon.  3 or 4 am until noon.  It sucks.  If I get up any earlier then I'm so tired that I can't even drive or move unless I get a nap in the afternoon.  A horrible cycle.  Nothing seems to work.  The best thing is Melatonin but it takes a while to kick in and then makes me groggy the next day.  I'm thinking of trying it at 8pm and then we shall see if it works by midnight.  I know this is where the lethargy is coming from.  I feel like my whole day is wasted and I don't really get going until like 3 or 4pm..  Of course my kids are teens and are just like me.  They sleep the same hours as I do.  I need to get things done and I of course have been putting them off.  I need to register my car, need to drive Jeff's truck, need to get myself a loan for next semester and clean my house.  This house is only surface clean.  I do the basics.  But the rest?  Nope haven't felt like it.  I keep up on dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen and baths, laundry when I have to but as for really scrubbing and dusting?  Nope I really haven't done it.  I WANT to, I just don't want to know what I mean??  I haven't made the boys clean their rooms and the basement.  I don't feel like the argument really.  But yes it really does bother me.  Being this...and I know it looks like lazy, but it doesn't feel like lazy it feels like ..tired.  Being this worn out just wears me out.  I have no excitement for the coming semester, no joy at all.  I dread it.  It is hard to put into words the way I feel.  I don't think that it is depression even though on the surface I know it sounds that way.  I just miss and want my husband back...ok where did THAT come from?  It just came sneaking up on me! But I am sure this too shall pass.  It will.  When summer ends and school begins I will HAVE to get up and get going.  No choice about it.
So now I get to talk about the big October trip that I was so excited about isn't happening now.  Jeff is going to a Commanders Conference during the exact same time.  BUT the cool/lucky thing is that the Conference is at the base here!!! SO... yay.    I was really looking forward to it, but I will try to go in the Spring.  It will be better anyway since Jeff will come home for 3 weeks in December and not home for good until June, so March will be a perfect break in the middle of the last 6 months.
I also just got a surgery date today!!! August 3!  That is in less than 2 weeks!  I have no much to do!  Now I'm very nervous about it but I DO want to do it, I'm just scared.  But the ball is rolling and who knows?  By October when Jeff gets back for a few days I could look different than when he left!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Happy Birthday to me...

So today is my birthday, the first one that Jeff hasn't been around for.  I'm trying hard to put that out of my mind, but it is hard.  I miss him.  I miss him so much.  It's been only 3 months and I'm already so done.  I went and gambled yesterday and did pretty well and then got stupid and gave it all back.  I'm pretty pissed at myself for that.  I mean that was pretty stupid and I so know better.  Well hopefully I will sleep now as I finally am feeling tired.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Happy Day-Before-Birthday to Me!!

Today is the day before I turn 38.  Wow.  38!  So I'm taking myself to Cripple Creek to gamble a bit.  I have found that it is only a 30 minute drive from Camp A where I take Ryan every Sunday.  So it has been fun.  This is the first birthday Jeff won't be celebrating with me.  We have been so lucky but it still really bums me out.  I also have decided that only I will be visiting Jeff in October.  Plane tickets will cost too much for all of us to go.  I'd rather put the money towards the vacation in December. 
   Jeff sent us a package today! He put in Thule t shirts which are cool.  He also gave Becca and I stuffed polar bears.  They are so cute I love it.  I miss him so much.  I really hate that time seems to be going by so slowly.  It just seems to be dragging.  How can only 3 months have passed?? It seems like at least 6 months should have gone by.  But... one day at a time right? 
  Wish me luck.  I hope to win a huge jackpot... Ha Ha.  More realistically I hope to play craps for a few hours and have a great time.  Maybe win a few small slot jackpots... dream big right?? 

Thursday, July 1, 2010

A much better day and bingo!

Today I had an apt. at Fort Carson about the surgery... it seems that my blood pressure is too high for the anesthesia to work on me.  So I am now on some meds for it.  He also said that I'm a better fit for the standard gastric bypass instead of the vertical sleeve. :(  That REALLY  bums me out.  I had done all the research on it and I just.. am scared.. He thinks I may get in by mid-August.  That is fine, however I will have to do some re scheduling since the kids will be in school and so will I.  But the better news is..
  I went to bingo today and WON!   Not only 1 game, but 3.  Yep I won 3 times!  It was crazy awesome!  I won $400 today.  I even won 2 games in a row on the very same number..B2.. I bought lottery tickets tonight too, I figured if I was going to win, today would be a good day!