Friday, April 30, 2010

Blog Hop

So from Riding the Roller Coaster's great blog, and great idea for a blog hop, I added the post below to tell a bit about me. I thought I'd add some photos too. I am so new at blogging.. my blog isn't fancy, I have no idea how and frankly school keeps me so busy there are days I'm lucky that I get my kids to all the places they are supposed to be, and get them fed and get some reading/homework done. I look forward to summer more than I can possibly say!
I'd love to meet other bloggers so I do hope someone wanders over to my site. I'd love more support from my fellow military spouses during this tough time for me.

So I have a 16 year old son, a 14 year old daughter and a soon to be 13 year old son. Oh and my best friend in the whole world my husband!

Hello again.. For the Blog Hoppers..

So.. I'm living through a 14 month long absence from my USAF husband for the first time and finding that IT SUCKS! I have 2 teenagers and 1 almost teenager and 3 cats who I adore..the cats, the kids are growing on me. I'm also a RN student and an avid bingo player..trying to figure out how to keep my sanity until June 2011!!

Oh and I live in a state where the weather is April 30.. and it is freakin snowing AGAIN!!

So on Wednesday I played bingo in a must go( where the jackpot will for sure be won that night no matter how many numbers get called) and the prize was $15,000, oh yes.. I wanted that. So I get down to 1 number at 44 numbers called and that
(for you non-bingo players)is freakin' great! And I wait..and wait...and wait some more..until...someone else wins. Are you kidding me? How on earth was it possible for the bingo powers-that-be to let me lose? Sigh.. oh well another time.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

What a weekend

Friday it snowed like crazy, my boys skipped a campout that were supposed to go on because well my youngest just didn't want to go without his dad. He didn't like the weather so much either but I suspect dad had more to do with it. He was a bit on the clingy side for the day as well.

So Saturday I got into a WICKED argument with my 14 year old daughter. It was long and ugly. I won't go into it but it left me feeling drained and just plain awful. I didn't get my school work done yet again due to that and ongoing fall out from it. So today is it..and then I have work in the research paper and reviews for the other class that should be nearly finished but you know that I haven't started..I am just a mess this semester! It has only been a week since he left and I'm already done. I'm just done! Another week of running around is about to begin.. karate, scouts, karate then running Ryan up the mountain an hour and a half for the weekend so he can go to staff weekend. I HATE driving to Camp A. HATE IT , HATE IT, HATE IT!!! The entrench to the camp is on this road that just TERRIFIES me. It is a 1 way or room for 1 car anyway road with a cliff drop off into the river on the side. I'm so scared of falling off the side of that road. It is silly, but that little road just scares me to death.
Have to pretend to do my paper now...Thanks for listening if anyone has been reading this rambling. It does make me feel better to write it all down!

Friday, April 23, 2010

1 week down...

I have survived the first week with little to no tears with the exception of today. Today I just couldn't get it together for some reason. The kids had a snow day today.. yes, I said snow day. It was snowing like crazy and coming down in wet, heavy chucks. So weird. I am.. well I just am. I feel almost numb to my surroundings isn't that odd? I think it is.

The boys were supposed to go camping but didn't because Josh lost it about the weather and he just plain missed his dad. J. goes on every campout with him and it really hit home that his dad wouldn't be there this time. Broke my heart so I let him stay. What a softie I am. So I had the whole day to do school work that I'm so behind on.. didn't crack a book. Nope, not a single page. Why do I do this to myself? It is ridiculous really. Now I have to cram and write a crappy paper that I won't proof read because I won't have the time.
Maybe soon I will snap out of this funk.

On the bright side.. I slept last night!!! Yaay!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Still not sleeping

Ok this is pretty suckish.. I'm still not sleeping at night. I am a freakin zombie. This has got to stop. I even let my kids stay home today with questionable illnesses. I suspect the real illness was just staying up too late with a bit of not wanting to get up in the morning. But I was so tired that I let myself believe them at the time. I slept in and pretty much wasted my day. I have a MASSIVE amount of school work due this weekend. about 5 chapters to read, 1 test, 1 paper, 2 chapter reviews, and a research paper rough yeah..I need to get my ass in gear. It sucks to be this behind, and at this rate I'm pretty sure that I can pull C's, however it will destroy my GPA. I may have to take the classes again just to fix the grades. But being so damn tired, I just can't read. So now what? Its a mess.

Speaking of messes..I still feel like a mess. Almost like I'm going through the motions here but not I'm not really here. It is messed up for sure. I feel alone, abandoned, lost. Which is silly really. Yet I look around and for all intents and purposes..he has moved out. Like he has left me or something, only the Air Force made him to do it. Now I know he didn't REALLY leave me, but that is what my tired little mind sees.

Lets hope I get some sleep tonight shall we?

Monday, April 19, 2010


Ah.. sleep. Will I ever sleep again? At this point I am a little unsure! I am sooo tired! Getting the kids up and out the door after 2 hours of sleep was a real treat. I woke up with a headache. I even canceled my gallbladder ultrasound because I was so tired. Looking back, I probably could have done it. I don't have time to be so damn tired, I am behind in school, but I'm taking my nap today and I'm going to bingo too damn it! The rest of the week is filled with karate x twice a week and scouts and some meetings I have to attend for the surgery. Busy, Busy.. Everyone says to stay busy, but I want to just chill though. Am I weird I wonder??? Maybe delusional from lack of sleep!
Whatever.. I'm taking a nap and not feeling guilty for it at all..ok maybe a little guilt, but only a little! :)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Getting out of the House

It does a great friend had me and my 2 youngest over for dinner and you know what? I had fun I even laughed several times! It was nice. I only wish I lived closer to her, she lives across town. She is great though so thanks Michelle I needed that.

Day 2 of 409

Yes that is correct 409 days without my best friend. Now when I figured that up it made me nuts so I decided to go by paydays instead. ( I think I saw that on another blog and it seems like a much better idea so thanks) So. 27 more paydays. There that doesn't sound so bad does it? If I could only trick my brain into buying that. Last night was horrible. I didn't sleep until 1:30 am and woke up at 8. I literally yawned the entire day. People must have thought that I thought them very boring! I'm hoping I sleep better tonight as I have a full week of stuff to do from running kids around to karate, scouts and guitar to trying to catch up on the BOATLOAD of school work I ignored during his last 2 weeks home. One prof was understanding the other not so much. Suffice it to say I have an enormous amount of boring reading and papers due by the end of the week. Sigh...I hope I get to do it. I really don't want to wreak the GPA I've worked so hard on now. I should be reading now.. so I will get to it I suppose. I've been told to wallow then get on with it. So hopefully I can do that!! Time to get on with it!

The first night alone..

Well it is just after midnight and even though I'm pretty tired, my mind won't let me sleep. J. left this morning and I was proud that I managed to hold it together all day pretty nicely! But it is hitting me that is is only DAY ONE of 14 months!! Damn that is a loong time! Even by the end of the summer we will only be into maybe a third of the time of the deployment. It just seems like forever right now. I see bits of him everywhere in the house. His shampoo, dressers,the t-shirt he left me. Then again the absence of him is seen when I look in the closet...nearly empty on his side. It ...looks so lonely. Just like me.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Tonight is the last night....

Well here it is.. the night before J. leaves. I am feeling surprisingly ok.. for now. The anxiety is MUCH less since I started the Zoloft and I'm grateful.

We had an early dinner at the Melting Pot, and then got Pizza Hut for the kids and now we are all hanging in the living room deleting shows off of the DVR. Nice feeling curled up with J. But this is the last night and it keeps rolling around in my brain like a little voice...last night, last night.

I also decided to have Gastric Bypass Surgery done. I'm ready and it was surprisingly easy to get approved by Tricare. I will be having it done at Fort Carson. I'm nervous about attempting this without Jeff but hopefully my neighbors can help and give me rides to and from the hospital. I still have to do a bunch of things and I don't have a date as of yet. I hope that it will all happen according to plan, but you know how that goes!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Cripple Creek

We got back from our overnight to Cripple Creek a gambling town about an hour away up in the mountains. It was a blast. I got to play my favorite game craps. I taught it to some people J used to work with and we had so much fun. J. even played with me a first! We won about $400 between us..but gave it back this morning. In the end out of the $300 I brought I returned home with $200 so not bad for almost 24 hours of gambling! we also enjoyed spending the night without kids and enjoyed ourselves there too. ;) But in other news...

Today marks the 1 week point before he leaves and I'm so sad when I think about it. It wouldn't be AS hard if I didn't know that he will only be home for 2 days before he leaves again for a whole freakin year!! I feel like that is so damn unfair! My heart hurts at the prospect of the separation.

I love him.
Oh I do love this man..sitting across from him, my heart hurts and my eyes prickle at the huge dynamic loss we are about to have. I will and already do feel like a actual piece of myself will be missing. How many people can truly say that they are really in love with their spouse? And to be still in love after 17 years of marriage? Really? But I am. Without a doubt still in love with my man. Sigh.. it makes it hurt so much more that he has to go. It is like a jagged knife twisting in my soul.

But.. I know he will be back here and there just for a week and for work stuff but I will see him after a few months and hopefully in December. He isn't in Iraq or Afghanistan and for that I'm so grateful. I know that he will be a great commander and that he will do an amazing job. I'm so proud of him that my heart could burst at the pride I feel as his wife.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Snow Day?

I woke up to first a delay then a snow day today! But the snow melted fast. It was still marvelous to sleep in, but now my whole day is gone. I felt sad and icky when I woke up so I watched some TV with Josh, he always is the happiest kid. I talked to my friend about her surgery and I think I'm almost excited to have it done! I'm feeling better although behind once again on school work. Will I ever be caught up?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Wow am I sleepy today. I couldn't fall asleep again last night, not until after 2 at least. So today I am sooo sleepy. I have much to do. I GOT to get this reading done so that I can write a 5 page paper by Friday. I see me not doing any reading and taking a small nap if I can manage it today. Everyone seems grumpy today too. Yikes, such a turn around from yesterday. I hope this day gets better. Have to go to BX to pick up RX now. Then read, then think of dinner...

Monday, April 5, 2010


Oh and the blog is pink today because I'm feeling happy. I get to play bingo and with my man, what else could be better? We are so good together. I love that man. The only thing is I have a headache at the moment, took some Advil and I'm WILLING it to not interfere with my plans tonight. Go away headache!
I also may have made a decision about something I've been giving thought for quite some time. It will take a very long time to happen IF it does. But just making the decision makes me happier.

Kids are back in school

Well today was a shock to the body for sure! Getting up to get kids off to school and then to try to get things done was no fun. I'm headed to the Doc this morning to check on a swollen lymph node, then having lunch with J.! I got him to agree to bingo tonight on base which is a plus! I hope we win, it will help sooo much with upcoming things. I'm trying to visit him in Las Vegas at the end of May when he drives through there on his way back here to out-process. The idea is to let J. finish the drive with some company. Oh and also to let me play some in Vegas! I do love gambling! Something to look forward to, but no money saved up for it does make that just a dream. I'm so behind on my school work. I am going to wreck my GPA with this semester's grades. But I spent my time with Jeff not reading and now I have to pay for it. I just wish I could have put it on hold until he leaves, and then do it.

This is interesting. I thought I would write a post or two and then quit, but I just may keep this up, more as a diary I guess since there isn't anyone who'd be interested in it, but makes me feel better all the same!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

.And so it begins..

So J. leaves for California in 2 weeks. 2 months there, 2 days home and then a YEAR in Greenland. I just can't seem to get myself together for this. I know lots and lots of military spouse deal and cope and are so strong, but I feel so weak. My man is great.. he takes care of me. He does the bills, the yard, the cars, everything. I take care of the house and kids. But now it's all me baby! Yikes! I'm scared. Yep. Scared out of my mind. I also just can't imagine life without him. He is my best friend, really, we met when I was 13 and he was 15 and have been married for almost 17 years. I love him. He is just the best man. Today isn't so bad, I am doing just fine. But for the last month on and off, I have been having panic attacks that just aren't pretty. I feel my heart race and I just want to cry. It happens in the morning and in the evening. I feel like a loser for not being able to just "deal" as someone told me to do. Like I would say "oh deal! yes, I hadn't thought of that"... crazy.