Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Well. There is 10 days until Jeff comes home for 3 weeks for his mid tour leave. I'm so excited I don't know what to do with myself. I really don't! So why does each day drag so much? I'm back to feeling blah at myself. I'm so tired and just feel so blah. But talking to my husband... just makes me smile. I love him. But you all knew that didn't you!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Ipads and other news

So I have returned to blog land. So much to say and yet not much that will interest anyone... Jeff came home for a week and it was the best week I can remember in such a long time. It was so great. But then.. he had to go and now I'm back in insomnia land. I'm about a month behind, yes I said a month behind in school. Why? Oh because of my stupid sleep issues mainly. I am awake all night and then sleep until noon during the day and get nothing done before it is kids pickup time and then there is the whole dinner and evening rush around to actives. Sigh.. I sure hope I can pass and pull this out. While Jeff was here we got dressed up and went to a dining out. It was nice to see him in his mess dress. I happen to think he looks fantastic!

So I'm testing out my new toy, I got an ipad. I love it!!! It is so much fun and already I have found cool stuff to do with it, such as typing this blog on it.. fun for me anyway.
Well I'm kind of just testing this out... good-night!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Woodpark Dr,Colorado Springs,United States

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


A crappy day all around.  I am soooo sick of driving and being my car.  I feel like that is all I ever do.  Drive all over this city.  I know that I'm grumpy today and I shouldn't be, but I just don't feel like myself.  I just wish I could get over this feeling of... just blah.  I think that if I got sleep that I'd feel better.  If I got some homework done then maybe I'd feel better too.  I am going to work on getting OUT of this mood.  So I will make some dinner for us and then watch Survivor and maybe do some exercise and try to read and GO. TO. BED. ON TIME.

So.  Sigh... that is all!

I'm Back!..Again

You'd think I was just so super busy wouldn't you?  But no.. and yes.  Let's see.  I'm still recovering slowly from surgery.  I'm tired much of the time.  I am now 2 WEEKS behind in my school work.  That's just never happened before.  And you know what???  I. DON'T. CARE.  Nope.  I should, however, but... I just don't know what it is, I'm burned out maybe.  I feel burned out on this deployment.  I'm so so damn sick of this.  It sucks doing it all  alone.  My mood is .. not great much of the time either.  I feel... grumpy.  And anxious.  ALL. THE . TIME.  I know that I am not doing the very best job at being a mom right now.  My kids are not getting to school enough.  Someone is always sleeping in and I have to take them to school late or they get sick and miss a few days of school, or Becca has to be picked up early every Wed. for therapy on her arm.  So.. yeah.  Mother of the year I am....

Also.. I am not having a great time figuring out what my new tummy likes or how much it can hold.  I don't get that 'full' feeling until 2 hours AFTER I eat.  And then.. well it is too late.  I have to vomit it up.  So it seems I vomit at least 3 to 4 times a week.  I eat something that used to agree with me that doesn't now or just a bit too much and it has no room to go but up.  Add to it that I'm thirsty all the time and can't drink but slowly.  I have figured out that sucking on ice is best, it helps with the thirst, but allows me to 'drink' slowly.  In good news.. I lost 50+ pounds since April and 35 since the surgery last month.  And Jeff is hopefully coming home for a visit in 9 days!!! I so hope that happens!  I miss him so much!!!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Recovery updates

I'm 3 weeks post op today.  I should be driving and pain free and even exercising.  But I am doing none of those things.  Why?  Because I'm SO SICK!!  I got what I thought was the cold going around, but after spending the night in the ER I actually have severe Bronchitis.  What fun!  NOT.  It sucks.  I feel worse than dirt.  My chest is rattling and I have a cough that would scare small children.  I was so dehydrated that they poured fluids into me.  Not a fun night.  So I'm hopefully on the road to recovery once again but slowly again.
I am also tired of being exhausted.  I'm just wiped out if I do much.  I know that I can expect this to remain for 3 months or so, but...I want my energy back!  When my last incision closes up finally I can swim and take baths again.  I have big plans for a water aerobics class.  But I have to get well first!  I know people are sick of helping me.  But...Jeff is gone and I still need help!  What can I do?  It is frustrating to me as well.  If only Jeff were here.  I am having such a hard time with this.  I will say that I have found that I have  friends who are just gifts from heaven..They come over twice a day to help me change the gauze in my incision, drive me to the doctor, and even take me to the ER and stay with me until 3 in the morning.  Thank God for them! 

Monday, August 9, 2010


Well I did it!  I had gastric bypass surgery last Tuesday August 3.  So far I have lost 10 pounds.  10 in 6 days!  I am still having lots of pain, I'm soooo tired, but am taking it easy and am healing slowly.  We shall see.  I'm taking it easy and not doing to bad.  I still would have really liked to have my husband there through this.  I am so thankful for my friends stepping up to help me.  I couldn't have done this without them.  Sheila and Michelle I love you.  You are so amazing to have been there for me.
This is so scary.  But so... maybe this is good. 

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Surgery and lethergy

So today and if I'm honest for the past few weeks I have felt...BLAH.  Yep.  Blah..don't feel like doing much, just hanging at home and watching some cool shows on TV.  Although I do look forward to my weekly trip to Cripple Creek that will be over soon when I no longer have to take Ryan back to camp.  I suppose I could drive up just to gamble but...nah.. I probably won't.  Sleep is still a major issue with me.  I am still sleeping from the wee hours of the morning until early afternoon.  3 or 4 am until noon.  It sucks.  If I get up any earlier then I'm so tired that I can't even drive or move unless I get a nap in the afternoon.  A horrible cycle.  Nothing seems to work.  The best thing is Melatonin but it takes a while to kick in and then makes me groggy the next day.  I'm thinking of trying it at 8pm and then we shall see if it works by midnight.  I know this is where the lethargy is coming from.  I feel like my whole day is wasted and I don't really get going until like 3 or 4pm..  Of course my kids are teens and are just like me.  They sleep the same hours as I do.  I need to get things done and I of course have been putting them off.  I need to register my car, need to drive Jeff's truck, need to get myself a loan for next semester and clean my house.  This house is only surface clean.  I do the basics.  But the rest?  Nope haven't felt like it.  I keep up on dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen and baths, laundry when I have to but as for really scrubbing and dusting?  Nope I really haven't done it.  I WANT to, I just don't want to know what I mean??  I haven't made the boys clean their rooms and the basement.  I don't feel like the argument really.  But yes it really does bother me.  Being this...and I know it looks like lazy, but it doesn't feel like lazy it feels like ..tired.  Being this worn out just wears me out.  I have no excitement for the coming semester, no joy at all.  I dread it.  It is hard to put into words the way I feel.  I don't think that it is depression even though on the surface I know it sounds that way.  I just miss and want my husband back...ok where did THAT come from?  It just came sneaking up on me! But I am sure this too shall pass.  It will.  When summer ends and school begins I will HAVE to get up and get going.  No choice about it.
So now I get to talk about the big October trip that I was so excited about isn't happening now.  Jeff is going to a Commanders Conference during the exact same time.  BUT the cool/lucky thing is that the Conference is at the base here!!! SO... yay.    I was really looking forward to it, but I will try to go in the Spring.  It will be better anyway since Jeff will come home for 3 weeks in December and not home for good until June, so March will be a perfect break in the middle of the last 6 months.
I also just got a surgery date today!!! August 3!  That is in less than 2 weeks!  I have no much to do!  Now I'm very nervous about it but I DO want to do it, I'm just scared.  But the ball is rolling and who knows?  By October when Jeff gets back for a few days I could look different than when he left!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Happy Birthday to me...

So today is my birthday, the first one that Jeff hasn't been around for.  I'm trying hard to put that out of my mind, but it is hard.  I miss him.  I miss him so much.  It's been only 3 months and I'm already so done.  I went and gambled yesterday and did pretty well and then got stupid and gave it all back.  I'm pretty pissed at myself for that.  I mean that was pretty stupid and I so know better.  Well hopefully I will sleep now as I finally am feeling tired.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Happy Day-Before-Birthday to Me!!

Today is the day before I turn 38.  Wow.  38!  So I'm taking myself to Cripple Creek to gamble a bit.  I have found that it is only a 30 minute drive from Camp A where I take Ryan every Sunday.  So it has been fun.  This is the first birthday Jeff won't be celebrating with me.  We have been so lucky but it still really bums me out.  I also have decided that only I will be visiting Jeff in October.  Plane tickets will cost too much for all of us to go.  I'd rather put the money towards the vacation in December. 
   Jeff sent us a package today! He put in Thule t shirts which are cool.  He also gave Becca and I stuffed polar bears.  They are so cute I love it.  I miss him so much.  I really hate that time seems to be going by so slowly.  It just seems to be dragging.  How can only 3 months have passed?? It seems like at least 6 months should have gone by.  But... one day at a time right? 
  Wish me luck.  I hope to win a huge jackpot... Ha Ha.  More realistically I hope to play craps for a few hours and have a great time.  Maybe win a few small slot jackpots... dream big right?? 

Thursday, July 1, 2010

A much better day and bingo!

Today I had an apt. at Fort Carson about the surgery... it seems that my blood pressure is too high for the anesthesia to work on me.  So I am now on some meds for it.  He also said that I'm a better fit for the standard gastric bypass instead of the vertical sleeve. :(  That REALLY  bums me out.  I had done all the research on it and I just.. am scared.. He thinks I may get in by mid-August.  That is fine, however I will have to do some re scheduling since the kids will be in school and so will I.  But the better news is..
  I went to bingo today and WON!   Not only 1 game, but 3.  Yep I won 3 times!  It was crazy awesome!  I won $400 today.  I even won 2 games in a row on the very same number..B2.. I bought lottery tickets tonight too, I figured if I was going to win, today would be a good day!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Bad Day

It is the end of June and what have I accomplished this fine summer?  Ummm.. not much I'm afraid!  I am still trying to adjust to my life without my husband for a year.  Three kids to run around and to take care of.  I don't know that I'm doing so hot at this.  I am still depressed about the single mom thing and worrying about taking care of it all.  I know other people do this, so why can't I get it together?  I seem to be doing a bad job of all of it.  I can only hope tomorrow is another day!

My Apologies

I do hereby formally apologize to anyone I may have hurt, offended, upset, or made angry in any way with my last entry.  It certainly wasn't my intention.  It was venting; my daughter is upset, she is upset daily..and I don't think that I should have to censor my own blog... but apparently I have upset some people.  First I didn't know that my previous post went to facebook.. but I have checked my settings and that won't happen again without my ok.  (this is on facebook to reach those I have upset).  Please accept my apology.  

Yes, it is just one side...but how can I have another when I don't know any other sides?  I have tried to comfort her as best I can, yet it isn't working.  It has come to my attention that perhaps maybe even probably, the nasty comments I spoke of previously were NOT made by the girls in question.  If she/they didn't make them,..then yes, I do owe you an apology and I'm sorry.  But you can see why we thought they were can't you?  My daughter is unhappy.  She is sad and grieving for her old friends and I just want her to be happy.  Is this wrong?  I am sure that the other girls families want the same for them and frankly so do I.  I wish no one ill.  I never ever said that anyway.  I miss these girls and loved them.  I think I even said so.  But now it has come to my attention they are upset with me so ... now what?  What can I do ? Sigh. 

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Live from the Apple Store line

So here I sit, I'm in line for the new iphone 4, along with about 50 to 60 people so far.  It has!  I never thought that I would have fun doing something crazy like this! So far I have gotten a free huge umbrella from Apple along with free drinks.  My fellow line neighbors have set up big TV's and X-box's.  We are watching movie and some are playing games...We even made smores with a tiny little stove.  This like a big street party!  It is so much fun!  I just hope that I get a phone!  I will be so mad if I don't...  Ok about to watch another movie!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Iphone 4 !!!

I just can't wait to get the new iphone 4!!  I have the 3G, and REALLY want this new phone.  Pre-sales are over and of course it is dicey lining up hoping to get one Thursday.  I managed to get a sort of pre order at Best Buy.  They won't promise that it will be there by Thursday, but I am hoping that it will be is my something to look forward to this week.  That is my new thing, I have little things to look forward to.  And I am really looking forward to getting this new toy.  So I am keeping my fingers crossed.
I am hoping to visit Jeff in October.  I have  to travel space-a of course, and there is a chance that I won't have a seat on the plane.  I miss him so much.  I still am not sleeping well at night.  I just can't believe that he will be away for an entire year.  It is such a long time.  I just miss him, I hate to be so wimpy but  I really love and miss my best friend.  I think maybe  the fact that it was just father's day is part of it.  The first of many holidays he will miss.
But... I got this.   I do have a grip.. I just miss him.  But every day I grow stronger and more capable and am already surprising myself.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Oh I how I wish summer could stay forever!  I just love this time of year.  I love to feel the sun on me, I hate to be cold.  I would be at home on some tropical island, kicked back on the beach with a cold, fruity beverage in my hand.  I love the beach and wish I lived near one again. I love to read and love to just sit in the sun with a good book.  I can pretty much drown out the world with a good book!

So my youngest son is going to summer camp tomorrow and I will really miss him!  My oldest will already be there as he will  be working there for the summer.  I have to take him back up every Sunday.  He comes home every Saturday, so far he has gotten a ride home on Saturdays which I am grateful for!  It is a 3 hour round trip to take him to Camp Alexander!

So for the week it will be just my daughter and myself.  She went camping with a friend and I hope that she had fun.  She deserves it.  She has had a really rough couple of months.  She just found out that someone she THOUGHT was supposed to be her best friend just deleted her from a social media site. She was of course devastated. She has been friends with this girl for so long and had a falling out with another girl and it seems that both other girls decided not to be even human beings anymore.  What I mean is they threw a friendship away ... for a silly little spat that my daughter only had with 1 of them.  The other wasn't even involved, she just...chose the other girl even though she hadn't been her friend as long.  So now what?  How do I help my daughter through this?  She is so upset and has been trying hard not to let me see it.  I feel so twisted inside knowing there is nothing I can do to help.

Friday, June 18, 2010

It is 2:40am.. and here I am..

So I am a bit worried that this may become new and slightly less improved sleep cycle. 3am until 11 ish.. In the summer this works.. but in August? Not gonna be good. Today went by quickly and I had a few drinks at my neighbors house with some friends. That felt good to sit and chat over drinks. I also sat on my porch and read a book. Sounds boring, but it was DIVINE! I love a good summer read in the sun. I have been lazy about updating this, but it feels good to be writing again so I am sure I will be back after I have had some sleep!!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I'm Back!

Well I haven't been on here in a while. Mainly because I was too sad. Jeff and I had SUCH a great time in Vegas! But those 4 days just flew by. All too soon it was time for him leave again. And this time it was for a year. I admit I didn't handle it well at the airport. I cried in line for check in, but thankfully they gave us gate thanks United. It was such a long line for security (at 5am? really?) that by the time we got to the gate he had about 5 minutes before boarding. Even he teared up which is unusual. Something about seeing him walk down the ramp to the plane... just set me off. I could not stop crying...for about 2 days. I am finally (mostly) back to myself but still sad.
I'm glad it is summer though that way I can keep myself happy by just relaxing and sitting in the sun. I am a sunny day kind of girl!

Oh and I do know that this will pass. I do. I just wish I had some months down..just seems like such a long time ahead of me.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Day Has Come! Off to Vegas to see my man!

I am beyond excited as I write this. In a few hours (it happens to be 3:30 am) I will be on a plane to Las Vegas with my youngest son to meet Jeff and spend until Friday there in Vegas, then we will all drive back home with Jeff in his truck. Just to hang out with him after not seeing him for so long..I am looking forward to even the drive from Vegas to Colorado. I just can't sleep now.

Today was the last day of school for my middle school kids and I am sooo glad! My high schooler has 1 more day. After more getting up early!! Oh yes, I am NOT a morning person. Nope. Can't do it. My body screams and won't obey my will to get out of bed. On the other hand as it is nearly 4am.. I AM a night owl. Sooo I can sleep in and of course all of my kiddos are night owls as well. It works for us.

Of course the down side of the trip is this:...Jeff leaves for Thule on June 2. Yep, that is correct, he doesn't even get a week with us before he leaves for a year. I want to scream and throw things when I think about it. But I guess all I can do is focus on the fact that I DO get to see him for 5 nights before he leaves and make the most of it. I am also bummed that I will miss his change of command. I really wish I could see it. But..I wish isn't getting me anywhere, so I just have to focus on the future and live life day to day and enjoy the life I have!!

---But I sure do love my husband! Can't wait to see him!!!!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

5 Days...

5 more days and then I will see my husband! Josh and I are flying to Vegas on the day his class is over and meeting him there. We are staying in our timeshare so there is no cost for hotel, and ...separate bedrooms!! Yep. Use your imagination for that one.
I am sooo excited to see him again. But the sad part is that he leaves for Thule 5 days later. June 2. Such a bummer that he has to leave again so soon. Sigh..oh well can't change it.

My oldest son was Confirmed last Sunday. This a big deal in the Catholic Church and we are proud of him. He didn't really want to go through the classes, but he did and the moment arrived and I think he looks pretty good all cleaned up!

As for my other children, my youngest turned 13...How on earth could THAT be possible! I have 3 teenagers. All of them. So crazy how fast life goes sometimes isn't it?

My daughter is having a tougher time, she is having an ongoing disagreement with one of her best friends and it just breaks my heart that she is going through it.

I am feeling much better and looking forward to meeting with my surgeon, but can't get in until JUNE 30! That is so far away! I hate that he is taking leave! ( I know, it is selfish of me but, like the man can't take a vacation when I need him!!) So as for timing of the surgery, I have no idea now. I can only hope to get in right after the 30th.. I hope right in the first part of July, don't want to wait until August with school starting.

Well I'm off to enjoy the rest of this sunny (FINALLY) day and relax!!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Feeling Better!! About to Hit 1 Month Mark!!

Ah... the gift of a few meds! Zoloft is now my friend, and you know what? I feel better. How weird. I really do..the anxiety has gone way down. Now I just miss him. But I'm not calling him telling him I can't do this...Sheesh! What a whiner I was. But it wasn't really me I don't think, it was the anxiety talking. I'm back!! :)

It is the last day of the semester for me. I am now the not-so-proud owner of 2..C's.
Yep. I'm so disgusted with myself for that. But I was so behind that I just couldn't finish the final paper in 1 class, and 3 smaller papers in the other. No idea on what this does to my GPA. It WAS around 3.7.. and I know I just tanked it. I guess I will have to take the stupid classes again, already have the books. I just don't want to pay again damn it!!GRRRRRR!!

I just also finished the last of the pre- stuff I have to do to get my surgery. I now have to just..wait. I wait for them to call and say they got my stuff all checked off. I REALLY REALLY want this done in June or July. June would be I could have enough time to recover.

I have 3 cats that I adore. I am a TOTAL cat person. Well they have decided that since Jeff's side of the bed appears to be vacant that they will now sleep there. All of them. I took a picture the other night, found it kind of cute. My kitten (who has grown as you can see) and my older cat are just BFF and it is so cute so enjoy!

Also.. check out my flowers Jeff sent for Mother's Day!!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I am a big freakin' baby. I just spent an hour of my morning bawling my eyes out. What good did this do me you ask? Nothing. Not a thing except to make me feel even sadder, and even more tired. Spouses do this every day, and they are fine, they manage everything like super woman. So what is wrong with me??? Why can't I get it together? I feel so unfocused and lonely. I miss him so much it hurts. It has been nearly 3 weeks since he left and you'd think that I could handle thing by now, or have a routine that takes over...but I still feel so adrift and lost.

I am completely sure that everyone is sick of me..I'm sick of myself frankly. This can't go on, it just can't. But when? When will the loneliness go away? When will I be used to sleeping alone? And when will this crushing pain from being separated from my best friend leave?? When?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Pity Party Warning...

Still with me? Ok, you were warned.. I am feeling EXTREMELY SORRY FOR MYSELF.

It has just been a pretty awful day. I can't seem to sleep without my husband.
It. Is. Driving. Me. Crazy.! I'm so tired that the bags under my eyes have bags. I woke up my oldest today and THOUGHT he got up. I then went back to bed for what I thought was an hour until 7, but it turned out to be 10am..yep great parenting! So I get the younger ones up and we head downstairs to find that the alarm is still on and deadbolt Ryan didn't get up either..FABULOUS!!!
I then find out that somehow we owe the dentist because it would seem that we had more than 2 cleanings this what? It appears that we were like a day or two early and now I owe about $400. SUPER. Let me pull that out of thin air...

And I'm just plain missing my husband. I miss him so much that I have teared up and cried today on and off. What a baby, I know. Even he is sick of me being so down. I'm usually a happy person, so this "Debbie Downer" (Saturday Night Live anyone?) is not who I usually am. This weird weather isn't helping either, snow again on Sunday and then 80 yesterday. Colorado is a weird place in Spring.

My daughter will be graduating from 8th grade this month, (nice that my husband leaves the year she starts high school)and we went dress shopping. Dress #1 she really wanted however I thought...nope too old for went with the one with the straps. What do you all think? Am I old fashioned? She did look nice in the strapless one, but I just don't think I'm ready for that yet!!!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Blog Hop

So from Riding the Roller Coaster's great blog, and great idea for a blog hop, I added the post below to tell a bit about me. I thought I'd add some photos too. I am so new at blogging.. my blog isn't fancy, I have no idea how and frankly school keeps me so busy there are days I'm lucky that I get my kids to all the places they are supposed to be, and get them fed and get some reading/homework done. I look forward to summer more than I can possibly say!
I'd love to meet other bloggers so I do hope someone wanders over to my site. I'd love more support from my fellow military spouses during this tough time for me.

So I have a 16 year old son, a 14 year old daughter and a soon to be 13 year old son. Oh and my best friend in the whole world my husband!

Hello again.. For the Blog Hoppers..

So.. I'm living through a 14 month long absence from my USAF husband for the first time and finding that IT SUCKS! I have 2 teenagers and 1 almost teenager and 3 cats who I adore..the cats, the kids are growing on me. I'm also a RN student and an avid bingo player..trying to figure out how to keep my sanity until June 2011!!

Oh and I live in a state where the weather is April 30.. and it is freakin snowing AGAIN!!

So on Wednesday I played bingo in a must go( where the jackpot will for sure be won that night no matter how many numbers get called) and the prize was $15,000, oh yes.. I wanted that. So I get down to 1 number at 44 numbers called and that
(for you non-bingo players)is freakin' great! And I wait..and wait...and wait some more..until...someone else wins. Are you kidding me? How on earth was it possible for the bingo powers-that-be to let me lose? Sigh.. oh well another time.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

What a weekend

Friday it snowed like crazy, my boys skipped a campout that were supposed to go on because well my youngest just didn't want to go without his dad. He didn't like the weather so much either but I suspect dad had more to do with it. He was a bit on the clingy side for the day as well.

So Saturday I got into a WICKED argument with my 14 year old daughter. It was long and ugly. I won't go into it but it left me feeling drained and just plain awful. I didn't get my school work done yet again due to that and ongoing fall out from it. So today is it..and then I have work in the research paper and reviews for the other class that should be nearly finished but you know that I haven't started..I am just a mess this semester! It has only been a week since he left and I'm already done. I'm just done! Another week of running around is about to begin.. karate, scouts, karate then running Ryan up the mountain an hour and a half for the weekend so he can go to staff weekend. I HATE driving to Camp A. HATE IT , HATE IT, HATE IT!!! The entrench to the camp is on this road that just TERRIFIES me. It is a 1 way or room for 1 car anyway road with a cliff drop off into the river on the side. I'm so scared of falling off the side of that road. It is silly, but that little road just scares me to death.
Have to pretend to do my paper now...Thanks for listening if anyone has been reading this rambling. It does make me feel better to write it all down!

Friday, April 23, 2010

1 week down...

I have survived the first week with little to no tears with the exception of today. Today I just couldn't get it together for some reason. The kids had a snow day today.. yes, I said snow day. It was snowing like crazy and coming down in wet, heavy chucks. So weird. I am.. well I just am. I feel almost numb to my surroundings isn't that odd? I think it is.

The boys were supposed to go camping but didn't because Josh lost it about the weather and he just plain missed his dad. J. goes on every campout with him and it really hit home that his dad wouldn't be there this time. Broke my heart so I let him stay. What a softie I am. So I had the whole day to do school work that I'm so behind on.. didn't crack a book. Nope, not a single page. Why do I do this to myself? It is ridiculous really. Now I have to cram and write a crappy paper that I won't proof read because I won't have the time.
Maybe soon I will snap out of this funk.

On the bright side.. I slept last night!!! Yaay!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Still not sleeping

Ok this is pretty suckish.. I'm still not sleeping at night. I am a freakin zombie. This has got to stop. I even let my kids stay home today with questionable illnesses. I suspect the real illness was just staying up too late with a bit of not wanting to get up in the morning. But I was so tired that I let myself believe them at the time. I slept in and pretty much wasted my day. I have a MASSIVE amount of school work due this weekend. about 5 chapters to read, 1 test, 1 paper, 2 chapter reviews, and a research paper rough yeah..I need to get my ass in gear. It sucks to be this behind, and at this rate I'm pretty sure that I can pull C's, however it will destroy my GPA. I may have to take the classes again just to fix the grades. But being so damn tired, I just can't read. So now what? Its a mess.

Speaking of messes..I still feel like a mess. Almost like I'm going through the motions here but not I'm not really here. It is messed up for sure. I feel alone, abandoned, lost. Which is silly really. Yet I look around and for all intents and purposes..he has moved out. Like he has left me or something, only the Air Force made him to do it. Now I know he didn't REALLY leave me, but that is what my tired little mind sees.

Lets hope I get some sleep tonight shall we?

Monday, April 19, 2010


Ah.. sleep. Will I ever sleep again? At this point I am a little unsure! I am sooo tired! Getting the kids up and out the door after 2 hours of sleep was a real treat. I woke up with a headache. I even canceled my gallbladder ultrasound because I was so tired. Looking back, I probably could have done it. I don't have time to be so damn tired, I am behind in school, but I'm taking my nap today and I'm going to bingo too damn it! The rest of the week is filled with karate x twice a week and scouts and some meetings I have to attend for the surgery. Busy, Busy.. Everyone says to stay busy, but I want to just chill though. Am I weird I wonder??? Maybe delusional from lack of sleep!
Whatever.. I'm taking a nap and not feeling guilty for it at all..ok maybe a little guilt, but only a little! :)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Getting out of the House

It does a great friend had me and my 2 youngest over for dinner and you know what? I had fun I even laughed several times! It was nice. I only wish I lived closer to her, she lives across town. She is great though so thanks Michelle I needed that.

Day 2 of 409

Yes that is correct 409 days without my best friend. Now when I figured that up it made me nuts so I decided to go by paydays instead. ( I think I saw that on another blog and it seems like a much better idea so thanks) So. 27 more paydays. There that doesn't sound so bad does it? If I could only trick my brain into buying that. Last night was horrible. I didn't sleep until 1:30 am and woke up at 8. I literally yawned the entire day. People must have thought that I thought them very boring! I'm hoping I sleep better tonight as I have a full week of stuff to do from running kids around to karate, scouts and guitar to trying to catch up on the BOATLOAD of school work I ignored during his last 2 weeks home. One prof was understanding the other not so much. Suffice it to say I have an enormous amount of boring reading and papers due by the end of the week. Sigh...I hope I get to do it. I really don't want to wreak the GPA I've worked so hard on now. I should be reading now.. so I will get to it I suppose. I've been told to wallow then get on with it. So hopefully I can do that!! Time to get on with it!

The first night alone..

Well it is just after midnight and even though I'm pretty tired, my mind won't let me sleep. J. left this morning and I was proud that I managed to hold it together all day pretty nicely! But it is hitting me that is is only DAY ONE of 14 months!! Damn that is a loong time! Even by the end of the summer we will only be into maybe a third of the time of the deployment. It just seems like forever right now. I see bits of him everywhere in the house. His shampoo, dressers,the t-shirt he left me. Then again the absence of him is seen when I look in the closet...nearly empty on his side. It ...looks so lonely. Just like me.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Tonight is the last night....

Well here it is.. the night before J. leaves. I am feeling surprisingly ok.. for now. The anxiety is MUCH less since I started the Zoloft and I'm grateful.

We had an early dinner at the Melting Pot, and then got Pizza Hut for the kids and now we are all hanging in the living room deleting shows off of the DVR. Nice feeling curled up with J. But this is the last night and it keeps rolling around in my brain like a little voice...last night, last night.

I also decided to have Gastric Bypass Surgery done. I'm ready and it was surprisingly easy to get approved by Tricare. I will be having it done at Fort Carson. I'm nervous about attempting this without Jeff but hopefully my neighbors can help and give me rides to and from the hospital. I still have to do a bunch of things and I don't have a date as of yet. I hope that it will all happen according to plan, but you know how that goes!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Cripple Creek

We got back from our overnight to Cripple Creek a gambling town about an hour away up in the mountains. It was a blast. I got to play my favorite game craps. I taught it to some people J used to work with and we had so much fun. J. even played with me a first! We won about $400 between us..but gave it back this morning. In the end out of the $300 I brought I returned home with $200 so not bad for almost 24 hours of gambling! we also enjoyed spending the night without kids and enjoyed ourselves there too. ;) But in other news...

Today marks the 1 week point before he leaves and I'm so sad when I think about it. It wouldn't be AS hard if I didn't know that he will only be home for 2 days before he leaves again for a whole freakin year!! I feel like that is so damn unfair! My heart hurts at the prospect of the separation.

I love him.
Oh I do love this man..sitting across from him, my heart hurts and my eyes prickle at the huge dynamic loss we are about to have. I will and already do feel like a actual piece of myself will be missing. How many people can truly say that they are really in love with their spouse? And to be still in love after 17 years of marriage? Really? But I am. Without a doubt still in love with my man. Sigh.. it makes it hurt so much more that he has to go. It is like a jagged knife twisting in my soul.

But.. I know he will be back here and there just for a week and for work stuff but I will see him after a few months and hopefully in December. He isn't in Iraq or Afghanistan and for that I'm so grateful. I know that he will be a great commander and that he will do an amazing job. I'm so proud of him that my heart could burst at the pride I feel as his wife.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Snow Day?

I woke up to first a delay then a snow day today! But the snow melted fast. It was still marvelous to sleep in, but now my whole day is gone. I felt sad and icky when I woke up so I watched some TV with Josh, he always is the happiest kid. I talked to my friend about her surgery and I think I'm almost excited to have it done! I'm feeling better although behind once again on school work. Will I ever be caught up?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Wow am I sleepy today. I couldn't fall asleep again last night, not until after 2 at least. So today I am sooo sleepy. I have much to do. I GOT to get this reading done so that I can write a 5 page paper by Friday. I see me not doing any reading and taking a small nap if I can manage it today. Everyone seems grumpy today too. Yikes, such a turn around from yesterday. I hope this day gets better. Have to go to BX to pick up RX now. Then read, then think of dinner...

Monday, April 5, 2010


Oh and the blog is pink today because I'm feeling happy. I get to play bingo and with my man, what else could be better? We are so good together. I love that man. The only thing is I have a headache at the moment, took some Advil and I'm WILLING it to not interfere with my plans tonight. Go away headache!
I also may have made a decision about something I've been giving thought for quite some time. It will take a very long time to happen IF it does. But just making the decision makes me happier.

Kids are back in school

Well today was a shock to the body for sure! Getting up to get kids off to school and then to try to get things done was no fun. I'm headed to the Doc this morning to check on a swollen lymph node, then having lunch with J.! I got him to agree to bingo tonight on base which is a plus! I hope we win, it will help sooo much with upcoming things. I'm trying to visit him in Las Vegas at the end of May when he drives through there on his way back here to out-process. The idea is to let J. finish the drive with some company. Oh and also to let me play some in Vegas! I do love gambling! Something to look forward to, but no money saved up for it does make that just a dream. I'm so behind on my school work. I am going to wreck my GPA with this semester's grades. But I spent my time with Jeff not reading and now I have to pay for it. I just wish I could have put it on hold until he leaves, and then do it.

This is interesting. I thought I would write a post or two and then quit, but I just may keep this up, more as a diary I guess since there isn't anyone who'd be interested in it, but makes me feel better all the same!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

.And so it begins..

So J. leaves for California in 2 weeks. 2 months there, 2 days home and then a YEAR in Greenland. I just can't seem to get myself together for this. I know lots and lots of military spouse deal and cope and are so strong, but I feel so weak. My man is great.. he takes care of me. He does the bills, the yard, the cars, everything. I take care of the house and kids. But now it's all me baby! Yikes! I'm scared. Yep. Scared out of my mind. I also just can't imagine life without him. He is my best friend, really, we met when I was 13 and he was 15 and have been married for almost 17 years. I love him. He is just the best man. Today isn't so bad, I am doing just fine. But for the last month on and off, I have been having panic attacks that just aren't pretty. I feel my heart race and I just want to cry. It happens in the morning and in the evening. I feel like a loser for not being able to just "deal" as someone told me to do. Like I would say "oh deal! yes, I hadn't thought of that"... crazy.